Down the Home Stretch

I have been in the hospital now about a week and a half. I must say that I feel a whole lot better than I did last week. The staff here at the hospital is fantastic. I have been well cared for.

We got some bad, but totally expected, news yesterday. The cancer is progressing quite rapidly in my abdomen and liver and, as anticipated there is really nothing we can do about it other than turn it over to God, which of coarse we have done. We have shifted our focus from cure/prevention to quality of life. We will bring hospice in to help with my care. I'm not yet sure what that means other than helping me stay as comfortable as possible with the time I have left which, according to the doctor, is around 4 to 5 months. HEY.... I have an expiration date! "Good for use until Spring 2011". If things get bad enough I will go into a nursing home.

The Bible is loaded with encouraging and uplifting versus. I find great comfort in them.

Psalm 18 -- The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 31 -- In you, O Lord, I seek refuge; do not let me ever be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me. Incline your ear to me; rescue me speedily.

Psalm 91 -- For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence; he will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.

Joshua 1:9 -- 'I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.’

Dear and merciful Lord.  Thank You for guiding us along our journey and please continue to lead us toward profiting Your kingdom.

An Encouraging Squeeze

Last week in my May 10th posting I spoke about the conversation that my oncologist and I had regarding the safety and wisdom of continuing with chemotherapy. He recommended that we stop. I indicated that I wanted at least one more treatment, not yet willing to retreat from the battle. We agreed to at least one more and see what happens and I had my treatment that day.

Whoa… so does this guy know what he’s talking about or what? The treatment hit me like a ton of bricks on a truck moving at 70 miles an hour with the wind at its’ back. By the weekend I was becoming delirious and I really could not walk. My white blood count bottomed out. I’m really not sure what day it was but I think it was on Monday the 13th that I was admitted to the hospital. Today is Sunday the 19th and I am still loading up on steroids, fluids, antibiotics, pain meds, etc. I am hoping that I’ll be home by Christmas. (This would make a great song title.)

Okay. So now what? Well, we don’t know. We’ll do some scans to see what’s going on and decide at that time.

Psalm 18 -- The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

We will continue give this over to God and let him lead us through this. His will be done.

Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed by thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

Now comes the good part.

Last night I was lying on the hospital bed trying to read. I was having a hard time focusing on the book since my mind was busy reflecting on recent events in our journey. Suddenly I felt a hand come down on my shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. I quickly turned but no one was there. Okay. Muscle spasm? I turned back to my book and a few moments later I felt the hand on my other shoulder followed by a gentle squeeze. I didn’t have to look. I knew who it was. What a wonderful way for my gentle and loving Lord to provide encouragement to me in such an intimate way.


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Medical Update

It has been an interesting week on the medical front, with a mix of great news and not so great news.

First the Great News
As a follow-up to my brain surgery we had a brain MRI earlier this week to see if there are any more tumors forming in the brain. I meet with my neurologist today to learn that the scan showed “all clear” with no evidence of further tumor growth. This is really, really good news. I was prepared to learn that another was forming so this was a welcome outcome. (I really do not want to go through another brain surgery.) The area of the brain where the original tumor was is still “void” of brain matter but is filling in nicely. God is great. God is good.

The Not So Great News
I went to the oncologist this past Wednesday for blood tests and hopefully chemo treatment if the blood work came back okay. The blood work came back looking good (finally) so I was able to take the treatment I have been waiting for. Back into the fight! The kicker is, as I had feared for a few weeks now, that my oncologist is recommending that I stop chemo all together. He is concerned that I have taken all the chemo over the years that my body can tolerate and that more would do more harm than good, particularly with respect to “quality of life”. He wanted to not give me treatment this week, feeling that stopping now would be best for me. We talked about it a bit and I told him that we had committed ourselves to fighting this beast as long as we could and as long as there was some hope of extending my life. He indicated that he was not sure that more chemo would help. We reached a compromise. I took the chemo this week. We’ll do a scan in a couple of weeks to see if the tumors have continued to progress. I they have, implying that the treatments are not helping; we’ll stop the treatments. If the tumors have not progressed we’ll reevaluate and make a decision as to what to do next, if anything.

Matthew 9:20-22 -- ‘If I only touch his cloak, I will be made well.’...Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, ‘Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.’

Right now I am feeling pretty lousy after the treatment a couple of days ago. I am very tired and have no strength. I am pretty much in a chemo-induced stupor. The oncologist may be right. Do I want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this?


Dear Lord. We have faithfully followed You throughout this journey and will continue to do so. We ask that You continue to lead us down the path that will best benefit Your kingdom.



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Birthdays

Today is my birthday. I am now 59 years old. Yippeeee! I was 55 when I was diagnosed with cancer and, at the time, it was doubtful whether or not I would see my 59th birthday. But here I am. Daily I thank God for the day He has given me and I ask for another. So far He has graciously provided. God is great. God is good.

I have come to consider my birthdays as “milestones” in my life. None of us really know whether or not we will see our next birthday but most of us just sort of take it for granted that we will. Some of us hope and pray that we will and we rely on our Lord to graciously provide. Some folks dread having a birthday because it means they are getting old. From my perspective, getting old is the objective and should be celebrated rather than dreaded. The birthday is a day of celebration of the precious life that God has provided us.

Jeremiah 1:4-5 -- Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you…

Dear Lord, thank you for another birthday. I have asked for, and you have provided, another day of life and for that I am deeply grateful. Thank you Lord for all of the blessing you have provided us. You are truly a gracious God.


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Cancer Is Limited

The past couple of weeks have been tough. My blood counts are still out of whack so I still have not resumed chemotherapy. My strength and stamina are still low and I have little energy to do much of anything. The Lymphedema in my right leg is causing some serious pain. And, to top things off, my left eye has lost focused so my doctor insists that I don’t drive. Oh well. {Sigh}

I found myself focusing on all of these negative things when I received an email from a friend. In this email was an inspirational quote that she thought I might find useful.


There is a sign in the Mayo Clinic that reads:

"Cancer is limited: It cannot cripple love, it cannot shatter hope, it cannot erode faith, it cannot eat away peace, it cannot destroy confidence, it cannot kill friendship, it cannot shut out memories, it cannot silence courage, it cannot invade the soul, it cannot reduce eternal life, it cannot quench the spirit, and it cannot lessen the power of the resurrection."


What timing! This could not have come to me at a better time. I believe that the Holy Spirit was at work here, inspiring my friend to send it when I needed it the most. Thank you Pam for your help. Thank you Lord for your continued guidance.

And I totally agree that the cancer itself cannot have an affect on these emotions, characteristics and end points. But I have to add to it with… “Unless you let it.”

Yes, cancer is limited in that it only directly affects the physical health of the diseased patient. However, if the patient allows it to, it will also affect his mental and emotional health as well as possibly shatter his trust and faith in God.


Love
If the cancer patient cannot maintain a healthy level of self-esteem during the ordeal then he will find it difficult to love himself as God’s creation. If he cannot love himself it will be difficult to love those people closest to him.

Inner Peace, Confidence, Hope, Faith, Courage
I believe this is critical. There may come a time during the journey with cancer that the patient may have to make some tough choices about treatment options and quality of life. At this point the patient may feel helpless, not knowing what to do or how to do it. He could easily lose inner peace, confidence, hope, faith and courage. Pat and I were talking about this the other day. We quickly came to the conclusion that our best option was to turn it over to God. We have faithfully followed Him through this entire journey and He has not led us astray.

Matthew 11:28-30 -- ‘Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.’

Matthew 19:26 -- But Jesus looked at them and said, ‘For mortals it is impossible, but for God all things are possible.’

Romans 5:3-5 -- And not only that, but we* also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..

Friendship and Memories
Throughout our journey we have had countless numbers of friends who have reached out to us with prayer and support. It is truly humbling. I believe that many of these people have gone to battle with us because they see us battling this cancer every step of the way. If we were stuck in our own personal Pity-Party it would be difficult for our friends to stand with us.

Quench the Spirit, Invade the Soul, Eternal Life, and the Power of the Resurrection
If the cancer patient allows himself to become focused upon the flesh and the grief caused by the cancer rather than the Holy Spirit where strength and guidance can be found then the patient may expose himself to doubting the power of the Holy Spirit, promised eternal life and resurrection.


This journey certainly has been an interesting and eye opening experience. We have found ourselves facing situations and decisions that are very foreign to us. Along this entire journey we have put our faith in God and let him guide us through all of it.

Joshua 1:9 -- 'I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.’


Thank you Lord for Your continued guidance and the many blessings You have mercifully provided our family. We trust You and will continue to follow You where ever You lead us.


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Heaven and Hell – Ramblings

For two thousand years people have debated what heaven and hell is going to be like and just who will go to heaven and who will go to hell for eternity.

Matthew recorded what Jesus taught us about the Great White Throne Judgment:

Matthew 25:31-34, 41 -- ‘When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. Then the king will say to those at his right hand, “Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. Then he will say to those at his left hand, “You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels;


So Here are the Questions

When the Great White Throne Judgment occurs, who will be sent to populate heaven and who will be sent to populate hell and what is heaven and hell like?

There is very little in the Bible describing heaven and hell other than “paradise” versus the “fiery pit”. John describes the heavenly throne room in Revelations but that’s about it. I guess God doesn’t feel it necessary for us to know for sure leaving it to our own imagination. It really doesn’t matter, we will all find out soon enough.

The following rambling is one interpretation that my scrambled brain has been playing with. I certainly am not saying that these are the answers to the questions but I do believe they are worth thinking about. After all, God has left it to our imagination and God encourages us to discover His secrets.

Deuteronomy 29:29 -- The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the revealed things belong to us and to our children for ever, to observe all the words of this law.

Proverbs 25:2 -- It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out.



My Ramblings

Psalm 19:14 -- Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

We all were created in the image of God and since we were created in His image, we all have been imprinted with His basic moral commands or codes – Don’t steal, lie, cheat, kill, covet, etc.
Since we were also given free will, it is up to us as individuals to either obey these commands or not. All of the major religions have adopted these basic imprinted behavioral laws and have, as is discovered in the Old Testament, for thousands of years. (Cain knew it was wrong to murder Able.)

The vast majority of the people in the world belong to, or claim to belong to, one or another of the world’s major religions. I wonder how many of these people really worship God as opposed to just “belonging” to the congregation and how many of these folks observe, or attempt to observe, the basic imprinted moral commands, that is, live a righteous life? A significant portion of the population doesn’t even believe in a god but are still imprinted with God’s behavioral commands. I wonder how many of these folks observe the basic moral commands? I wonder, given the world’s total population since the beginning, what proportion of all of these people observed these imprinted commands? Based upon all of the turmoil that has always occurred in the world I would guess not many.

Hosea 14:9 -- Those who are wise understand these things; those who are discerning know them. For the ways of the Lord are right, and the upright walk in them, but transgressors stumble in them.

Okay, here I go out on a limb again. I have discussed this before and every time I do I cringe a bit because it bumps up against the basic Christian believe that, unless you accept Jesus as your redeemer and savior you cannot inherit His kingdom. This belief is based upon Jesus’ words that John recorded in his testimony.

John 14:6-7 -- ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you know me, you will know my Father also.

This has always implied to us that the only way into heaven is by accepting Christ as our Savior. But is that really what he is saying? Yes, He does say, “If you know me, you will know the Father also.” This, I believe, means that if you follow Gods laws, accept Jesus as your savior, give control of your life over to God, and let the Holy Spirit guide you through life you will earn a place in God’s kingdom. But he also says, “No one comes to the Father except through me.” Does this imply that, as long as Jesus believes that you are, or will be, worthy, He will allow you to know the Father? (Okay, I am going way out on a limb here, but I can’t help but wonder.)

Consider this verse again:

Deuteronomy 29:29 -- The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the revealed things belong to us and to our children for ever, to observe all the words of this law.

In this verse, God tells us that what is written in the Bible is everything we need to know in order to live a righteous earthly life and then to inherit eternal spirit life in Heaven. He is also telling us that He has secrets that we don’t need to know about. These secret things are for Him alone to know.

Now consider this. A person is standing in front of Jesus at the White Throne Judgment who has not accepted Jesus as the savior and is looking Jesus in the eye. Jesus then says, “I have known you since you were conceived in the womb. I know that you have not yet accepted me as your Lord and Savior but you observed my imprinted moral codes as best you could and lived a really good and righteous life. I also know that once you experience me as your Lord and King you will be a faithful servant and will contribute to the building up of our Heavenly kingdom. Since I am the only judge and the only way to the Father I judge you worthy. Welcome to My kingdom.”

I know I know. This is a stretch. There is absolutely nothing in the Bible that would support this and I am not implying that I believe it to be true. It is only my rambling thinking. But just for the fun of it let’s head down this path.

Who Would Populate Heaven? People who accepted Jesus as their savior and redeemer and turned control of their lives over to God will be accepted into heaven. Also included would be all of the other people who attempted to live their lives following their imprinted moral code. Jesus would judge these people worthy of eternal life in heaven since He knows they lived a righteous life on earth and that they will work toward profiting God’s kingdom once they experience Jesus as their Lord and King.

Who Would Populate Hell? Those people who disregarded their imprinted moral code and lived their lives by the flesh, working toward profiting their own “kingdom” seeking wealth, possessions, power, control, etc.

What Would Heaven be Like? If heaven is populated only with really good, righteous people who ultimately accepted God as their king and who continued to worship God and profit His kingdom heaven would be a wonderful place to spend eternity. Heaven would be a true Theocracy. There would be no need for a government, God would be king and rule heaven with his merciful love. Each individual would love and worship God and love their fellow man. There would be no wars, or conflicts. Not a tear would be shed. Complete harmony.

What Would Hell be Like? Being populated with selfish, self-righteous, self-serving people it would be a horrid place to spend eternity. Consider what the governing authorities would do with their power grabs and their disregard for the population. The place would be in total chaos with no hope in sight for eternity. Imagine all of the conflicts and wars. Murders would be a part of life. Gang wars resulting in constant fighting in the streets. On going terrorist attacks. Rape, stealing, and sexual promiscuity would be accepted as common. It would be a very dangerous, nasty, Godless place. (It all sounds like fire and brimstone to me.) The Bible does tell us that Satan will rule over hell.


I am sure that this scenario doesn’t come close to being accurate but it was fun to play with it a bit. I personally am taking the prescribed route to heaven using God’s word given to us in the Bible as my guide. I am building my relationship with God. I continue to learn what God expects of me. I have accepted Jesus into my heart and know that he is my savior and redeemer. I constantly listen for the Holy Spirit to guide me and correct me. If I am successful I will earn a place in heaven with God for eternity.



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Medical Update

I was hoping to receive chemotherapy this past Thursday but my blood platelets count was way to low to risk the therapy. We will try once again the week after next. I did receive a bag of fluids in hopes of it perking me up a bit but to no avail. It is four days later and I have not received a “boost” from the fluids. My plans are to receive two bags of fluids on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, in hopes of them perking me up enough to really enjoy the holiday weekend with my family.

It is becoming apparent that, after years of chemotherapy, my body is getting saturated with the cell killing drugs and that it may become too dangerous to receive much more of the chemo drugs. The drugs have begun affecting my bone marrow and, as a result, the bone marrow is not producing platelets as it should. I am only guessing at this point but I believe my Oncologist is about ready to tell me, “No more chemo for you buck-o. It will do more harm than good.” Well, if that happens I am unsure what our next line of defense is. We will push forward with God’s guidance.

I have been very unsteady on my feet and I continue to experience the dreaded chemo induced stupor, which feels like when you’re drunk, but you don’t have the buzz. I continue to use my cane or my walker and both work out pretty well. It is tough to get around but the good news is that I get around.

Matthew 26:39 -- ‘My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not what I want but what you want.’

I continue to raise this prayer to God everyday. I also thank God for the day he has given me and ask Him for another. So far he has not failed me.

God is great. God is good.



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Suffering and Sainthood

The following post is a copy of a comment by my cousin Linda left on my last posting “Went for a Walk with the Walker”. I know that the comment is available to you all but I wanted to make sure you all saw it. I think that what she has to say is very inspiring and encouraging. I asked Linda if she would mind if Iposted it and she did not hesitate to allow me. As a resut, Linda has been given the title of “Contributing Poster”.  Thank you Linda.

Oh, by the way, I by no means consider myself “Saintly”. I’m just another guy who, like thousands of others along with their families, are going through a journey that we really are not exited about. I have simply turned it all over to God who sustains me. Thank You Lord.
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'My Cousin The Saint,' is a great book by Justin Catanoso that I recently read. The author finds out that his grandfather's cousin, Padre Gaetano Catanoso of Calabria, Italy is being cannonized a saint in 2001. "A typically lapsed American Catholic, Justin embarks on a quest to connect with his extended family in southern Italy and ultimately, to awaken his slumbering faith." That last line is from the inside cover In any event, I thoroughly enjoyed his adventure of discovering his roots and learning about the life of his ancestor who so inspired others that he was being recognized by the Catholic Church as a bonified 'saint.'

As I mentioned before, I love the saints......I love reading about their lives and circumstances and about how they nurtured their relationship with God. It seems to me that the one thing they all have in common is that they all suffered - some from physical ailments, some spiritual - and that they so fully embraced this suffering because they saw it as bringing them in union with Christ - carrying that cross. They never complain. It's as if their suffering chips away at the earthly distractions so that their understanding of eternal life is heightened. A necessary evil, if you will.

I am currently reading Debra Herbeck's "Safely Through The Storm" which includes several quotes that I find inspirational. They also remind me of 'my cousin the saint'......you - Paul:) Your Mall Walker with a Walker story is told with the same patience and acceptance as any other saint I've read about.

Here are a few 'saint' excerpts from the above-mentioned book that I thought you might enjoy also:

Be at Peace Today
Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same Eternal Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day of your life. He will either shield you from suffering, or he will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts.
----St. Francis de Sales

God Does Not Change
Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
Though all things pass
God does not change.
Patience wins all things.
But he lacks nothing
Who possesses God;
For God alone suffices.
---St. Teresa of Avila

Four years ago when I went on Pilgrimage to Italy we visited a remote mountain town of San Giovanni Rotondo. That is where St. Padre Pio spent most of his life. He is one of our modern saints having lived from 1887-1968. He was cannonized in 2002. While he is said to have had the gift of tongues and bilocation, he was most well known for the spiritual phenomenon of the stigmata. He suffered the wounds of Christ for over 50 years. 'The wounds were painful, and he felt them not only on his hands, on his feet and in his side but also, as was recently revealed, on his shoulder, where Christ carried the cross.' (From '39 New Saints you should know' by Brian O'Neel.)

Here are a couple of thoughts from Padre Pio -

The Way to Heaven
What does it matter to you whether Jesus wishes to guide you to Heaven by way of the desert or by the fields, so long as you get there by one way or the other? Put away any excessive worrying which results from the trials by which the good God has desired to test you; and if this is not possible, resign yourself to the Divine will.

and

Make Yourself at Home
It is just as well to make yourself at home with the sufferings that Jesus is pleased to send you as you must always live with them. In this way, when you are least expecting to be liberated from them, Jesus, who cannot bear to keep you long in affliction, will come and relieve you and comfort you, giving you new courage.

Since saints are just 'holy and human people who live extraordinary lives,' I think you qualify. So from now on, you are 'MY COUSIN, the saint.'

Love,
Linda


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Went for a Walk (With the Walker)

I was sitting around yesterday starting to feel sorry for myself. Feeling sorry not because I have cancer, I can live with that with God’s grace, but rather because I have been so dragged down with no strength or stamina. You cannot imagine how hard it is for me to even get out of a chair my legs are so weak. It has gotten to a point where there is very little I can do for myself and must rely on Pat and Chris to do the simplest things for me which they gladly do. I am very thankful for their attentiveness but I would like to improve my quality of life enough that I can once again be doing at least a few things for myself.

As I was sitting there sulking about my condition I said to God, “Dear Lord, help me.” One word came back. “Exercise”. It was a gentle response and very logical. Now I may have come up with this answer on my own but somehow I believe that the response was from God. (Thank You Lord.)

Okay. Exercise. Go to the gym? Begin lifting weights? Aerobics? Naaaa…. I don’t think so. I just need to get moving and work my muscles, particularly my legs. I had used my walker for the first time last week when I went for chemotherapy and I was quite please how it aided my stability so that I had no fear of falling. Okay. I can begin walking, with the walker, for no other reason than to begin using my leg muscles. Great idea. I’ll do it.

So, I loaded my friend the walker into the back seat of my car and headed to the mall this morning. My plan was to hit the mall, walk around as much as I could, then reward myself with a hot mocha. Now the mall here is not large but my objective was to walk from one end to the other and then, of course, back again. I hit the floor of the mall (trying to suck up the fact that I was in public with a walker) at a slow and steady pace.

I made it about half way to the other end and stopped, sat on a bench, and rested for a few minutes. My legs felt good but I was loosing stamina. After a short while I was back on my feet and moving. “Hey, this isn’t so bad.” I thought. When I reached the far end of the mall I sat again for a while, regained my strength, and headed back to where I began my walk. I had to stop once along the way but I made it with no trouble at all. All in all it took me about 40 minutes to complete my journey.


1 Corinthians 10:13 -- No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.

Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.


The mocha tasted extra good.

My intent now is to do this as often as I can. I am now a “Mall Walker with a Walker”.


Dear Lord, thank you for another day of life. I humbly ask for another. Thank You for all of the many blessing You have provided my family.


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Medical Update

Blood levels were borderline on Thursday (yesterday) but my oncologist gave the go ahead for chemotherapy. Finally once again fighting back. I am scheduled to receive another treatment next week and I pray that I will be able to receive it.

Psalm 91 -- For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence; he will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.


I am hoping that the dreaded “chemo brain” will be a mild case this time around. Typically after a treatment I end up in a “chemo induced stupor” which is very disorienting.

I continue to have little strength and stamina. Along with the chemotherapy I got pumped full of fluids. This will perk me up for a few days and will hopefully sustain me through the weekend.

My oncologist tripled the amount of steroids I take in a day. Since then I am developing red splotches on my arms, my face is red, everything is swelling, and I am sleeping restlessly. I don’t like steroids but as long as my oncologist feels it is best I will put up with it.

I felt a little shaky on my feet so, for fear of falling, I used my walker to get around rather than my cane. This is the first time I have used it and was a little self-conscience about it. I felt like a feeble old man pushing the walker in front of me… Come to think about it, I guess I am becoming a feeble old man (laughing to myself). But then again, getting old is the objective, right? Getting old without falling is better yet. I’m thinking about putting a little basket on the walker so I can cart around some stuff (mocha coffee) with me as I use it. It is not really possible to carry anything and use the walker at the same time. Maybe I’ll include a bicycle horn, a rear view mirror, and some streamers as well. (Hey… If your going to do it you might as well do it all the way, right?)

Just before Jesus was arrested that night before his crucifixion He prayed to His father, asking that, if it is possible, to not let happen what was about to happen but that he would willing yield to God’s will. This is a perfect example of a perfect man’s humanity.

Matthew 26:39 -- ‘My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not what I want but what you want.’

I continue to raise this prayer to God everyday. I also thank God for the day he has given me and ask Him for another. So far he has not failed me.

God is great.  God is good.


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God’s Guidance With a Lesson

This is a somewhat long posting and I hope that you can take the time to read through it. This posting describes an experience that was very meaningful to me. I hope you find it interesting.
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Christians who have opened their hearts to our Lord Jesus Christ, turned control of their lives to God, and rely upon the Holy Spirit and scripture for guidance have a huge advantage when making decisions about what to do in specific circumstances. The Christian consistently prays about the situation, asking God what he or she should do in order to best benefit His kingdom and waits for an answer. I have had times when that answer comes immediately and there have been times when the answer is slow in revealing itself. I don’t let the delay deter me. I figure that God wants me to continue to think about it, most likely to help me gain a better understanding of myself or perhaps to push me toward reading scripture to discover the answer there. Either way, a correct answer always comes.

James 1:5-8 -- If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. But ask in faith, never doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind; for the doubter, being double-minded and unstable in every way, must not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

Recently I have had to make a major decision.

For nearly seven years I have been the Chairman of the Board of Trustees for our church’s Christian K-3 to 8 school. During that time our school has thrived and we are now in the initial stages of preparing to expand our capacity to accommodate forecasted growth as well as to renovate existing facilities. This will be a multimillion-dollar project that will require a great deal of work by many people. Along with this, the routine work of the Board must continue.

Over recent months since my brain surgery, brain radiation, and sporadic chemotherapy treatments my health has been failing me. I have good days and I have bad days and, of course, I cannot predict from day to day whether it will be a good one or a bad one. As a result it has been very difficult for me to commit to attending board meetings, taking on specific tasks related to the board, or working with our Head of School and Executive Committee to create meeting agendas and establish “next steps” for the board and school. Along with this there is no indication that my health will improve.

After not being able to attend a couple of critical meetings during the past month I began to wonder whether or not I was still capable of chairing the board. I felt as though I was letting the group down by not providing the leadership I was tasked with providing. The executive committee is completely capable of fulfilling the responsibility and we have a very competent Vice Chair so I was not concerned about the work getting done. But I was beginning to feel guilty.

I turned to God for guidance.

My first question to God was, “Dear Lord, what should I do to best build Your kingdom, continue as Chairman of the Board or step down and let someone else who can make the commitment to take on the task?”

No Response.

This did not bother me in that often answers are slow in coming. I continued to think and pray about it and then asked God, “Great and mighty Lord, should I move aside from the Chairmanship?”

Again, no response.

Okay. He didn’t like that question. What about this one: “Lord, should someone else besides me Chair this board?”

Sigh. Again, no guidance.

This had been going on for sometime and I was beginning to wonder if the Holy Spirit was on vacation or something. I continued to pray and think about it. I began to reason that there was always the chance that my health would improve and that I could slip back into an affective leadership role on the board. But of course, the opposite may occur. I realized that this was probably wishful thinking.

Finally God responds.

Okay, time to ask once again for guidance. This time I put a little different twist on the question. “Gracious and mighty Lord, what is stopping me from resigning my position as Chairman of Board?”

This time, in an instant, like a lightning bolt, the answer came. “Pride”.

I almost jumped back when this answer was given to me so quickly and forcefully. Of course, pride. I was very proud of the work I had been doing with the board and, in trying to make the decision about what to do I was letting my own pride get in the way of the decision that would best benefit God’s kingdom.

God does not like self-righteous pride.

Proverbs 16:5 -- The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.

Romans 12:3 -- For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.

1 Corinthians 4:7 -- For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

Jeremiah 9:23-24 -- ...but let those who boast boast in this, that they understand and know me, that I am the Lord; I act with steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight.

And, of course, it was Lucifer’s pride that got him banished from heaven.

Ezekiel 28:17 -- Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor. So I threw you to the earth; I made a spectacle of you before kings.

God tells us to be humble.

God delights in providing for us, and delights in our good works and our humility.

Micah 6:8 -- He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.

James 4:6 -- But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

1 Peter 5:6 -- Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,

Luke 14:11 -- For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Proverbs 22:4 -- The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches and honor and life.

Psalm 25:9 -- He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way.

What a relief. I now had an answer as to what to do. In order to best build God’s kingdom through leadership of the school’s board I needed to step aside and turn the position over to another who could commit the time and the energy to the task.

As I look back on how I went about asking for God’s guidance on this decision I realize that He purposely forced me to think about the situation and ask the question in such a way that would not only provide the answer but also reminded me that the work I had done with the board was only possible because of the talents God had provided me. My pride in the work I had done was self-righteous. This self-righteousness resulted in the board not being as affective as it could be in profiting God’s kingdom because of my inability to completely fulfill my task as chairman.

God is great. God is good.

Thank you Lord not only for your guidance but also the lesson you taught me about pride. You are truly a wise and gracious God.

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Taking a Break

It has been a while since I have posted and, to my faithful readers, I apologize for that. Over the recent weeks I have been very tired with little strength and have found it difficult to focus my attention on much of anything. I have decided to take a short break in an effort “unclutter” my mind.

Psalm 46:10 -- ‘Be still, and know that I am God!'

I hope to have something new posted in a few days.

Medical update: My chemotherapy treatments continue to be far and few between. My blood counts continue to be out of whack and my oncologist feels as though too much therapy would be dangerous. I have been receiving chemo now for about four and a half years and we may be reaching a point where continuing chemotherapy may not be wise. We will continue to take it a week at a time and trust in God, knowing that He will lead us toward whatever will benefit His kingdom.

Matthew 26:39 -- ‘My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not what I want but what you want.’


Dear and mighty Lord. We continue to thank you for the many blessing you have given us. Thank you for the gift of life. Thank you for our family and friends who love us, support us, and provide prayers for us.  We ask, Lord, that You continue to give us time together as a family and that You continue to bless us with Your grace.



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God Bless the Caregivers

Cancer patients are blessed with easy access to high quality medical care and skilled doctors and nurses who know how best to care for their patients. It seems like new treatments are discovered daily that cure the disease or extend the life of the patient. Through God’s mercy there is always hope.

1 Corinthians 10:13 -- No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.

Beyond the doctors and nurses there are countless unsung heroes who provide intimate care to the cancer patient. These heroes are the immediate and extended family members of the patient as well as friends. I have spent hundreds of hours in the chemo room receiving therapy along with a dozen other patients. In most cases (almost all), each of the patients receiving therapy had a loved one by their side to provide comfort and support. These loved ones are as much a blessing to the patient as are the doctors, nurses and drugs. The care they provide reaches far beyond the chemo room. Their hour-by-hour, day-to-day care that they unselfishly provide the patient is truly a blessing from God.

What would I do if I did not have my wife Pat by my side? She has been such a source of strength and support. She has given so much of herself toward my care. She is always there to help and cater to my every need. God bless you Pat and thank you.

Our son Chris has willingly stepped up and has taken up the slack in the day-to-day tasks around the house that I can no longer do. Chris is there when you need him and the care he provides is priceless. God bless you Chris and thank you.

My sister-in-Law MK and her husband Jonathan (both Medical Doctors) have unselfishly provided countless hours of care, guidance and support. God bless you both and thank you.

My sister Ann, her husband Clyde and my mother, although living hundreds of miles away, have provided such valuable moral support. They have always been there for us. All we need do is make one phone call. God bless the three of you and thank you.

Behind the scene are the other family members and friends who rise up prayers and provide support to us and who ask their friends to do the same. The number of people who have come to our aid has humbled me. The Holy Spirit has worked overtime on our behave. God bless you all and thank you.

Matthew 25:35-36 -- ...for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.”

Mighty and merciful Lord, thank you for providing all these caregivers. The care and support they provide is so important to us. God bless the caregivers.


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Medical Update: Back Into the Fight – Finally

I was finally able to receive the second chemo infusion of the second round of my treatment yesterday. Blood counts have returned to near normal so my oncologist gave it the go-ahead. I am scheduled to receive the first treatment of my third round in two weeks. I pray that I will be able to receive it so that we can stay in the fight.

Dear and mighty Lord. Thank you for providing the opportunity to continue battling this disease. Thank You for the life extending drugs and for the doctors and nurses with the skill to administer them. A ask You Lord to continue to provide me with life. You are a great and merciful God. I trust You and will follow You wherever You lead me.


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Prayers of Thanksgiving

We communicate with God through prayer. At times we say prayers that we had learned as children and at other times we simply talk with God. I tend to not recite “canned” prayers as much as simply have a conversation with God, much like I would talk to an old friend. I tell Him about what is worrying me; I ask His advice on what to do about whatever is bothering me and I ask for his help and mercy. I believe that God delights in our prayers.

1 Peter 5:7 -- Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.

Hebrews 4:16 -- Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

God is merciful and has answered so many of my prayers for help. Every time I pray I thank God for all of the blessings He has provided my family and myself.

My wife gave me a list of Prayers of Thanksgiving that I would like to share with you. The source for these prayers is “Personal Prayer Notebook” by Harry Griffith, Anglican Fellowship of Prayer.

Family
Thank you Lord, for the privilege of being part of a family, and I thank You for those who are family with me.

Friends
I thank you, Lord, for those who care about me and for whom I especially care.

Faith
Thank you that my eyes have opened to real life as experienced through faith in You and for the opportunity to and serve you forever.

Health
For good health and the strength to do those things you would have me do, I thank you Lord.

Spiritual Gifts
I thank You for the ways in which You have equipped me to do the things You call me to do, and for the privilege of doing Your work in this world.

Home
For a home that is a haven of love, I thank you Lord.

Nature and Beauty
For the joy of Your creation which inspires me one moment and comforts me the next, I thank you, Lord.

Vocation
I thank you Lord, for the daily work I am able to do and for the opportunity to use it for Your glory.

Nation
For this nation in which we are privileged to live and for all the blessings you shower upon us so bountifully, I thank you, Lord.

Peace
For the peace and security we experience today, Lord, I am grateful.

General Thanksgiving
I thank you, Lord, for all that you have done for me. You care more for me than I do for myself. I am precious in your sight and You do for me much more than I deserve or comprehend. I have nothing to give in return but my gratitude and that I give you, Lord, with my whole heart.


God is great. God is good.


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Medical Update: Still Out of the Fight

I was hopeful of receiving Chemotherapy today but my blood work is still out of whack so once again we must postpone treatment until at least next week.

I am beginning to feel helpless.

This is the first period of time over the last four and a half years (since I was first diagnosed) that we are not totally engaged in fighting this disease but rather allowing it to thrive in my body unchallenged. I understand the danger of chemo with my blood levels what they are; yet I feel that there must be something we can do. My oncologist insists that the best thing to do at this point is wait for blood levels to return to acceptable levels and then proceed with the chemo. I trust him.

Psalm 91 -- For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence; he will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.

1 Peter 5:7 -- Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.

I am so very anxious to continue the battle. Dear Lord, I ask that through Your mercy my blood levels return and stay at acceptable levels so that I can continue with my therapy.



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I Can Only Imagine

I can’t help but continue to think about heaven and what eternal life is like. There is no doubt that heaven is a remarkable place and that eternity there with our Lord is something to look forward to. It is interesting that the bible provides us with little information about what heaven is like. We get a glimpse of the spirit world in Daniel 10 and there are a few verses in Revelation that describe the Throne Room but, for the most part, heaven is left to our imagination.

What will it be like to stand in front of Jesus, looking into his eyes, for the first time at the Great White Throne Judgment? I think I will be overwhelmed. Try to imagine what it would be like having the Lord God, creator of all things, looking you in the eyes with his hands on your face saying, “Come to the place I have prepared for you good and faithful servant.” Lord, I long to hear those words.

There is a song called “I Can Only Imagine” that is done by the band Mercy Me. You may already be familiar with it. To me this is a powerful song and listening to it has become part of my daily prayer routine. I can’t listen to it without tearing up and getting a good dose of humility and hope. The lyrics are below and a link to the song in a video can be found in the right margin of this blog in the Links section as well as right here.  "I Can Only Imagine".  Block out everything going on around you and listen and watch.

"I Can Only Imagine” Mercy Me

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk by your side
 I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face Is before me
I can only imagine


Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine


I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son


I can only imagine When all I will do
Is forever, Forever worship You
I can only imagine


I can only imagine


I can only imagine When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you


I Can Only Imagine


Dear Lord, thank you for the promise of eternal life and for the sacrifice of Your Son Jesus as the redeemer of our sins. You are a merciful God.

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Home Sweet Home

Home.  Fever is gone and I'm feeling much better.  Sure does feel good to be home again.  It must have something to do with the familiarity of the surroundings, the sounds, the feel, the rhythm of things.  The hospital was very comfortable and nice and all.. but not home.  Home is where the family is.  Home is where you know where stuff is.  Home is where you can curl-up and be yourself.  There's no place like home.

Psalm 18 -- The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Matthew 14:34-36 -- ...and brought all who were sick to him, and begged him that they might touch even the fringe of his cloak; and all who touched it were healed.

Dear Lord, thank you for skilled Doctors and Nurses at the hospital and for the life saving drugs which, together, have brought me through this little set-back.  Thank You Lord for Your continued blessings.


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In the Hospital - Day 2

Spent this 2nd day in the hospital sleeping and getting filled with antibiotics.  I just saw my doctor - unless something changes I can go home tomorrow....

Thank you all for your prayers.

God is great.  God is good.

Sent from my smart phone.

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In The Hospital

I am posting this using my smart phone so it will pretty short.
I was admitted to the hospital last night with a 102.3 fever.  After being pumped full of antibiotics my temp is now normal (yippee).
We're doing blood cultures to try to figure out whats going on.
Dear and mighty Lord, thank You for Your continued gift of life. Thank You also for the skilled doctors nurses. Bless them.
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